Sunday, November 25, 2018

You hate Gary Danielson because he’s your DADDY

Face the mirror and face the truth. You hate the esteemed, accomplished and popular CBS Color Analyst because he knows more about football than you ever dreamed about knowing. And you will read this blog post because you know every word of it is true.

Gary Danielson is the snide wingman at the bar with you, pointedly explaining why your hairline is the reason why the hot chick across the room isn’t interested in you. He’s the catty tagalong girl who doesn’t know when to STFU about the outfit you spent two hours putting together, wondering loud enough for everyone to know that the reason Mr. Right ain’t looking this way is because… well…

The biggest beef you have with Gary’s commentary is that he says exactly what you don’t want to hear, right when your team is sucking before your very eyes. Your Heisman Trophy Quarterback  just threw an interception and Gary says, “boy, he really missed the read on the Safety playing deep.” Your team’s defense is defending the run like the Convent of Mercy and he says, “wow… they can’t stop anyone between the the tackles today.” Your team has the ball on their 40, there’s 2:20 left in the first half and your coach won’t call one of his three timeouts and try to at least get in field goal range. Gary asks the question that’s in your own bewildered mind: “What in the world is he thinking?”

Meanwhile, your team’s opponent can do no wrong today. In fact, he says in that casual, condescending voice of his that “they’ve been doing this to your team since so-and-so stepped on the scene in 2007.”

Gary, Jedi Master of colorful annoyance doesn’t stop there, either. Right after the 3,279th commercial break in the 3rd quarter, he comes back with the Telestrator. Then,  he finds the last three plays that drove you nuts and he diagrams precisely what your team did wrong. He carefully explains what they need to do to stop sucking, and then you throw things at the television because he’s right.

Here’s another thing about Gary. If you’re an Alabama fan, you think he hates Bama. If you’re a fan of any other team, you think he loves Alabama and secretly has a man crush on Nick Saban. This facet is the grandest illustration of why Gary is the perfect color commentary dude for when your team is losing to Alabama or isn’t winning big enough yet.

I know fans that have picked up the phone to call the police and file harassment charges against Gary. I know fans that have logged onto GoFundMe to start raising money to buy out his contract. I know fans that have put a piece of paper on the television screen so they don’t have to look at his face. I even know fans that have turned down the volume on the television broadcast and turned on the homer radio broadcast so they can hear what they want to hear instead of hearing what they need to hear.

He is the greatest color commentary prick of all time and he’s trying to help you, not hurt you. It’s true. And you know it.

What you have to do now is not only accept it, but embrace it. Gary Danielson is your Daddy. Don’t hate him for it.

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