Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Pro tip to Radio Talk Show Hosts: It’s FOOTBAW

image If you are a radio talk show host and you have a regular show that airs in multiple markets, here’s an important survival tip for you: Talk about football. If your show airs in a significant number of markets in the southeastern United States, talk about college football.

Specifically, talk about Southeastern Conference football.

Make your show “caller driven,” not “caller friendly.” That way, when your dumbassed producer thinks you need to talk about something other than college football, your callers will deftly and doggedly steer you back on topic with timely calls about the latest college football scandals and why so-and-so’s claim that his school “be the bestest EVAR” is totally full of crap.

Paul Finebaum gets it. Randy and Pat on Sports Drive get it.

Tim Brando does not get it. Colin Cowherd does not get it.

In July, you will talk about rosters, possible two- and three-deep depth charts, incoming freshmen, off-season workouts, 7-on-7 workouts and recent recruiting news. And, Media Days.

In August, you will talk about rosters, incoming freshmen, the approach of fall camps and pre-season polls.

I think you see the pattern, here.

From September through December, you will talk about the ongoing college football season. Spend a lot of time on who is in the run for the SEC Championship and who might nobly serve as their designated victims in the BCS Championship. You will also spend many segments discussing who’s in the running for the Heisman Trophy and why whoever the SEC candidates are should/should not get an invite to the Downtown Athletic Club event at Radio City Music Hall.

In January, it’s one word, y’all: Crootin. That may only be interrupted with the rare segment on any coaching searches among southern schools.

In February, you will talk about the recently completed season and which among the SEC’s still surviving coaches are on the proverbial hotseat.

In March, it’s ok to spend the occasional segment on March Madness. But good GOD don’t spend the whole show on it. Remember: It’s FOOTBAW.

In April, entire shows can be dedicated to Spring FOOTBAW. Who’s having a good camp? Who needs work? Who among the early enrollees looks like a potential starter as a true freshman?

From May through June, it’s back to crootin.

In July you lather, rinse and repeat, beginning with the next installment of SEC Media Days.

It does not matter one teeny bit that some small fraction of your listeners want to hear NBA news, Major League Baseball or who’s on the leaderboard at The Masters. Ignore those high-brow, pointy headed intellectuals. They are a tiny minority and catering to them makes satellite services and radio affiliates size up candidates for your replacement.

Follow this formula to success, glory and riches. You can thank me with a guest segment on your show during prime time.

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