Friday, June 1, 2012

If Barack Obama was NCAA President, this is how the playoffs would work

This is how the Division I college football playoffs would work if Barack Hussein Obama was President of the NCAA. Because, you know, it’s not his job to make the most money. His job is to make sure everybody gets a fair shot.

Up until now, the 1% have kept all of the BCS money and championship glory to themselves, while the other 99% do all the dirty work to enrich the 1%. That’s not fair.

So, Barry’s gonna fix it. After all, he’s the only one standing between the BCS fat cats and the pitchforks, right?

The first order of business is decreeing by Executive Order that there shall be an eight team playoff rather than the four team scheme agreed upon by the leaders of the 1%, the college football presidents in Division I. The four team playoff doesn’t give enough people a chance, even though the disadvantaged schools didn’t really play anyone of significance and belong lousy conferences. It’s not their fault that all conferences are not equal in size or competitiveness. All of that size and competitiveness is a function of greed and collusion anyway. Rewarding excellence is not what’s important in this endeavor. Inclusion is important.

The second order of business is to divide the playoff venues fairly. There will be one in the northwest, one in the midwest, one in California and one for Notre Dame. The southeast—winners of the last six BCS championships—just have to understand that it’s not their turn anymore.

Next, The One will appoint a Presidential Playoff Selection Committee, made up of hand-picked experts on college football and how it relates to the important issues of fairness and equality today. Candidates will include Buzz Bissinger, Nancy Pelosi, Whoopi Goldberg and Bill Maher. Frank DeFord will serve as Commissioner Emeritus.

On the Sunday after the conference championships are decided, the committee reveals its choices and seeds the tournament

Here’s the bracket:

imageDespite the fact that Alabama wins the 2012 SEC Championship, LSU is the overall No 1 seed. However, to give Boise State a shot, their first round matchup will be played on the Smurf Turf.

Next is Ohio State. Ohio State travels to the west coast to play California.

The next is Notre Dame. Notre Dame hosts Syracuse beneath Touchdown Jesus in South Bend.

The last of the four first round matchups is the exciting clash of Oregon at Toledo. The fact that the Pac-12 gets two in the tournament is of no significance, even if USC beat them both and the committee chose LSU over Alabama. Remember, this is about who is deserving. Toledo? How can you have a playoff with no MAC Attack? Get real.

We already know how things are going to go.

The Blue Turf confounds The Hat, denying him the opportunity to snack on his favorite delicacy and killing his offensive playcalling genius. Broncos roll.

There’s no way The One lets a team from Berkeley get beaten in the playoffs. Urban Meyer cries again.

Oregon and Toledo battle it out on the frozen Tundra and Oregon wins a close one.

With The Orange up by five with :09 left, the Irish have the ball on Syracuse’s 35 and it’s fourth and four. Everett Golson appears to miss the receiver on a Hail Mary pass as time ticks away. However, after further review, The One decides that the touchdown was deemed passed.

Cal beats Oregon in the second round, while Notre Dame pulls out another miraculous victory against Boise State, with the Broncos meeting the Irish for the National Championship.

It doesn’t really matter who wins that game, does it? It’s not really important whether there’s a winner or a loser so regardless of the outcome, all eight teams get crystal balls.

DeFord then goes off to write a 6,000 word sleeper column explaining how fairness won the day. Buzz Bissinger goes on MSNBC and Current to explain that he really wanted no part in the selection process and that college football should be banned. He confesses that it was he who convinced the committee to screw Alabama and the SEC. Pelosi babbles on about how we just had to play it to see what was in it. Whoopi goes on The View and talks about how much better looking Notre Dame’s tight ends looked.

The One gets to host all eight teams in the White House Rose Garden.

The ordinary college football fan? He’s Hoping for Change.

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