Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Laugh-A-Pocalypse on the Plains: Mythical “Perfect” Seasons

Mad Mad Mad Mad World heads 2Author’s note: any similarity to the plot of a 1963 film is purely intentional.

Our story begins many years ago with an incarcerated postseason in 1957 after the plodding investigation of Captain NC AAwful. But our comedic caper really rises to action on a war-fail day in 1992…

Smiler Dye is milking the cow-boosters in the Barn when he trips on some cattle tape and kicks over the bucket. Realizing his career has careened off the cliff, he updates his black book on how to have a perfect football season. Dye then buries his secrets, along with an Unlimited list of moolah-happy Tiger names, under the mysterious “big W” in Jordan-Hare Stadium.

Each new Head Herder is given directions to Smiler’s stash and instructed to never share the location or contents. And low-and-behold every man since achieves one undefeated season. In 1993 with Benjy Bowden, in 2004 with Melville Tuberville and in 2010 with Lennie Chizik. But the wily Eagles forgot about the haphazard involvement of Captain NC AAwful, and punishments are handed out or pending for the “perfect” seasons as the football world watches in astonishment.

Our dejected cast of farcical characters ends up with careers of immobility and pain, while Captain NC AAwful turns out to be a comedy of errors at doing his woe-damn job.

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