Friday, October 5, 2012

Dear Brides-to-Be: If you schedule your wedding during football season…

image Not only am I not coming, you’re not even getting a gift. In fact, I’ll hack your on-line registry and mark everything on your wish list as “already own.”

Ladies, this is football season. College football season lasts approximately 100 days, which is less than one-third of the calendar year. You can have a Christmas wedding. You can have a Winter wedding. You can even have a Mardi Gras wedding. You can get married in any of the other nine months out of the year (and that number of months is significant for a reason).

My lovely wife of nearly 26 years wanted to have a fall wedding. Shortly after I proposed (and she wisely accepted), the conversation went something like this:

Me: “So, Honey. When do you think you’d like to schedule the wedding?”

Her: “I want a fall wedding. The weather is cool and dry, the colors are great. So, sometime in October or November.”

Me: “Not no, but Hell no.”

Her: “But I am the bride. I am paying for this and I get to pick the date.”

Me: “Not no. but Hell no.”

Her: “This is not right. You will marry me on the date I select, or it’s not happening.”

Me: “Honey, I love you. I really do. But it’s time we started seeing other people.”

Her: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS %$#&^!!! You and your friends are &^#Q&$!!!”

Me: “Yes, we are. And we’re watching football all day on that Saturday you have in mind.”

Her After much wailing, gnashing of teeth and thing-throwing: “[sigh]  Ok. When is a good weekend, Mr. Football?”

Me: “First weekend in December is probably good.”

So, we got married on the first weekend in December 1986 and we were in wedded bliss until… 1992.

That’s when the Southeastern Conference expanded to 12 members with two divisions and a conference championship game scheduled for the first Saturday in December.

I was horrified.

So, the conversation in November 1992 went something like this:

Me: “Um, do you think we could reschedule our Anniversary? Because Alabama is playing Florida in the first ever SEC Championship Game.”

Her: No not, but Hell no.”

There are some battles that are not worth fighting. But there are some that are.

The lesson here is that in 1986, the first Saturday in December was probably a good date to schedule a “fall” wedding.

It is no longer.

Gentlemen, grow some balls. Be the Man of the House® or something. If you allow your future bride to schedule a wedding during football season, you are probably one of those pantsless dudes driving around with “House Divided” vanity tags on the front of your vehicle.

And your vehicle is probably a Toyota Prius, Chevy Volt or some other such “sensible” nonsense.

Guys drive cars. Men drive trucks and they proudly display their team’s logos on the front bumper, back window and tag frame. She’s marrying you. She is not entering into some sort of truce that allows her to decorate your schtuff with her team’s colors and logo.

Grow some cajones, and don’t let the bride-to-be ruin a perfectly good football Saturday.

That is all.

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1 comments :

Grey Thompson said...

I had to travel to Ohio for a wedding a few weeks ago, both the bride and groom are tOSU fans. It was a great wedding and blah, blah blah, I didn't get to see any football.

I missed Clemson beating Florida State (or so I heard at the end of the first half), Auburn nearly taking it to LSU, Michigan's final game against Notre Dame, Mizzou v. the Gamecocks, Georgia v. Vanderbilt, and of course, Alabama's ongoing win streak. I missed all of it.
Sure, it wasn't Alabama's strongest opponent that weekend, but my whole thing is you have to enjoy success while you have it. If we never win another title with Saban or we win a dozen more, we are winning now and I soak up every second of it because football is so rare but winning is even more rare. I schedule my priorities around college football, and at least here in the southeast, I'm not alone.

Nevermind it was already 30 degrees at night and the reception was adjacent to a tennis court with sprinklers running the entire time, but at least some football would have probably helped.

The only concession is I was in B1G country. They sure like to cry about how seriously they take football up there, but actions speak louder than words, and they'll never know because they will never be invited to a wedding in the fall in the South to understand how important college football is (and should be).