Monday, June 6, 2011

In bold move, Auburn names Gus Malzahn the Head Coach in Waiting

image Auburn University today said that it was taking a “bold step” to protect current Offensive Coordinator Gus Malzahn from being “raided by rogue programs searching for coaches,” like Ohio State, and named the offensive wizard its Head Coach in Waiting.

Undeterred by the public relations disaster at Florida State, where the school reportedly forced legendary Bobby Bowden out so Jimbo Fisher could take the reigns, Auburn plans to finalize the deal and get a contract done before the start of the 2011 season. Auburn also appears unmoved by the developing dumpster fire at West Virginia, where the current Head Coach and/or his wife may be spreading malicious rumors about the Coach in Waiting there.

Asked also about Coach-in-Waiting arrangements that saw Texas’ Coach in Waiting Will Muschamp get tired of waiting and jump to take the Florida job and James Franklin fleeing Maryland for the safety of Vanderbilt, Athletics Director Jay Jacobs told assembled media at the hastily called press conference that he thought it was the right move at the right time.

“Everyone saw Gus’ gutsy play-calling and game management skills during the 2011 BCS National Championship Game. Gus is a really hot commodity right now in the coaching profession, and we want to make sure he stays here and takes over for Coach Chizik. Gus is the only decent coach on the whole damned staff an important part of the Auburn Fambly now.”

Jacobs waved off suggestions that having a Coach in Waiting breathing down the neck of the current Head Coach might cause tensions between the two.

“Gus has always gotten along great with those he’s worked with and worked for. Just ask Houston Nutt. Gus is a team player. He’s FAMBLY; He’s ALL IN!”

Jacobs also dismissed the idea that any upcoming sanctions resulting from investigations possible recruiting violations might have played a role in the school’s decision.

“We have the best compliance department in the SEC. The NCAA already investigated Cam and he did nothing wrong. All those people are just being haters. Energy Vampires. That’s what all that is.”

Coach Gene Chizik could not be reached directly for comment.

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